worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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