No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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