watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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