Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
