Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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