You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
