She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
only if we run a train.
done.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
