He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
