Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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