I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
