im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
