I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize