guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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