just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
