I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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