i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We were destined to go to rehab together
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
