Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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