Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Two words: nipple clamps
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