we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
