Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
