I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
