my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
