My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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