Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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