I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
