god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
