OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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