took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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