Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
