How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
