man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Are my feet made of real feet?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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