things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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