I cockslap morals
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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