my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
