mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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