Swine flu is the new snow day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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