If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
