The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
