turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
