Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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