you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize