did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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