Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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