dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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