I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
