Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
