Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
we made out on top of his cat.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
