so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
