you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
