I can text with my tongue
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dicks are not precious.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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