fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
