I could make wine with my vomit
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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