Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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