Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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