dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
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I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
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im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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