my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
