he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
