I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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