apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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