And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
